We were discussing the notion of having hard, dare I say it, crucial conversations the other day in our Moose Herd session. Conversations that are challenging. Conversations where you speak truth to power. Conversations that are risky and require courage and fortitude.
One of the things I brought up was the notion of preparing for one of these. And the idea of establishing your 100% truth prior to the meeting. Sitting down, putting everything aside, and establishing what would be the 100% discussion if you were talking to your best friend, close confidant, or trusted advisor? Without any filtering, obfuscation, or any risk of ramifications.
What would that conversation look like? That then becomes the baseline for your conversation. The preferred target if you will.
Now perhaps, you can’t have that level of clarity and honesty. So, start walking back from that baseline.
Establishing what you are comfortable saying. Considering things like—
History of previous conversations;
Your relationship and recent dynamics;
Your baggage and the receiver’s baggage;
Trigger awareness (both yours and theirs);
The power dynamics (perceived & real);
Risk (perceived & real);
Your communication comfort level.
Let’s say, upon reflecting deeply, you come up with a message that contains 50% truth. And it’s the best you can do right now because of the mitigating factors. So, HAVE that 50% conversation.
As we were talking in the Herd, it dawned on me that (1) this is normal, and (2) that this “Gap” is something we all can work on closing. That is if we desire to have a clearer and more transparent conversation with this individual.
Closing the Gap
Or another way of saying it is telling/sharing more of your truth OR providing more Radical Candor.
I believe it starts with your awareness of the factors that are creating the gap (as we explored above). Once you become more self-aware (conscious of them, making them visible) then you can begin to decide on ways to close the gap.
One way is to consider a third participant in the exchange…
Third Entity or the System
What if you introduced a third entity in your thinking that represented the relationship between the two of you? Then you became curious around—
How does the relationship feel?
What does the relationship need to know?
What’s important about the relationship?
What’s next for the relationship?
What does the high dream look like for the relationship?
By exploring your relationship (the third entity) in more detail, it might inspire you to be more honest and open in your next conversation.
BTW—this notion of a 3’rd Entity comes from my ORSC coaching work. You can find more information about ORSC here.
Other options
Another option is to ask a trusted colleague, a mentor or coach, about the situation. Perhaps you can role-play some communication scenarios with them that will increase your confidence in disclosing more truth.
One of the things that always motivates me to take risks is the responsibility I feel as a leader. Kim Scott says in one of her Radical Candor videos, we have a “moral obligation” to share our truth with others. Meaning, it’s not possible to opt-out at 50% truth. Perhaps we don’t go the Full Monty to 100% truth initially, but we absolutely try to be closer, clearer, and bolder over time.
Wrapping Up
After our Moose Herd chat, I really liked this idea that emerged.
I think it’s quite powerful for us to begin considering the “truth” in our conversations and, when we’re reducing it for whatever reason, to then work hard on narrowing the gap.
So…
What are YOUR truth gaps? And, what are YOU doing to try and narrow them?
Stay agile my friends,
Bob.