I saw this post the other day from Geoff Watts exploring 20 Polite Ways to Say No, and it struck a chord with me. Blog link – https://www.inspectandadapt.com/blog/20-polite-ways-to-say-no 

Not that it was a bad article. It isn’t. Or that I disagreed with the many approaches to couch ‘No’ in a kind, soft, dare I say, polite way. I don’t.

He provided an option to the ubiquitous “Yes, and…” that I often hear in the agile community. It’s a “Yes, if…”. Here’s how Geoff explains it--

An alternative to "no" (and you might notice this a few times in the list above) is "Yes, if..."

Responding with "Yes, if..." can appear more positive, collaborative, and less confrontational. That doesn't necessarily make it better though. By opening yourself up to negotiation, there is still a good chance that you will take on more and more (and people may then start playing negotiation games!) so make sure the "if..." is enough.

My Concern

I guess my concern is why not simply say…No? Or, lead with a definitive and clear No, then explain its rationale?

Why all the pussyfooting? Why all of the dancing around the point? And, why is simply saying ‘No’ considered impolite or negative, or confrontational?

I just don’t understand.

For example, if I ask my house painter if he can paint the entire outside of my house in 1 day and for $500, he simply says…No, it’s not possible.

In this case, the ‘No’ is very clear.

Or if I ask you to borrow $10 for the cab, I hope you either tell me yes or no. Instead of something more obtuse like—I could lend you the money Bob if you promise to return it in less than 1 hour and you agree to sign a lending agreement, and you return me 5% interest as well.

In this case, the ‘Yes’ is wrapped up in many conditions trying to make it a ‘No’ without actually saying ‘No’.

It seems to obfuscate the answer to me intentionally, so why do that?

Wrapping Up

I guess what I’m reacting to is why all of the fear, loathing, and angst around telling someone ‘No’? It’s just a word that is balanced by yes.

I’m thinking the fear or driving forces revolve around things like—

  • Organizational power dynamics

  • Customer and money power dynamics

  • Psychological safety and trust

  • Personal experience, skill, and comfort zone

  • Diversity dynamics

So, there’s a lot to unpeel in the No-Onion. But that being said, I do think that practice will help. And not practicing in a “polite” way, but practicing giving someone the clarity and honesty of a clear, unobfuscated…NO!

So, I encourage all of you to find opportunities to say…’No’, Clearly, Succinctly, Boldly, Honestly, Courageously, and Unapologetically.

In a word, just say…NO!

So, in a word, did you appreciate this article? Yes, or No?

Stay agile my friends,

Bob.

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